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Are Sex toys allowed in a Christian marriage?

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Note: This article was written by and is fully owned by UncoveringIntimacy.com. This article is reproduced here with permission from UncoveringIntimacy.com.

Christian couples have a lot of questions about what is and isn’t allowed in the marriage bed. One of them is whether or not sex toys are allowed. Can we use sex toys? Should we use sex toys? There are different opinions on this, but, as with always, we want to go to the Bible for answers. So, what do we find when we look up sex toys in the Bible?

Nothing

It’s silent on the topic. So, we’re left up to logic and personal preference really. Logically, there is one basic guideline I think we should use:
Any toy should be used to enhance the relationship with your spouse. If it detracts from it, or becomes the focus, or your relationship becomes dependent on it, then it’s harming you, not helping. Get rid of it.

So, for my marriage this means:

1. We don’t use lifelike toys, because, well, it just feels wrong. I don’t have a biblical backing for this, I would not say this is a Christian principle. To us, it just feels too close to bringing someone else in.
2. We don’t use toys separately without each other present. Because, well, we don’t believe solo masturbation is within God’s will. We believe it harms marriages, and so we don’t masturbate alone.
3. We don’t use toys that the other is uncomfortable with, morally opposed to, or otherwise has reasons not to want it. That said, we do our best to keep an open mind in our marriage about new things (so long as they are in keeping with God’s guidance for sex).

I do get a few searches from Christians looking for information on sex toys. Whether they can use them, recommendations, reviews, etc.. So, I’m going to start addressing the topic more in the near future, because I think this is an area where many Christians are curious, but have nowhere to turn. Most places on the internet are so full of porn and nude models that it’s not even safe to go virtual window shopping anymore.

Last week I ran a survey on using sex toys in your marriage. Usually I run a survey to gain insight into a particular question, but this time I was just curious because I know I was going to write this post, and frankly, there isn’t enough material from the Bible to talk about, so I wanted to at least give you some useful, or at least interesting information. So, I’m afraid I have no burning question that was answered. But there are some interesting points at the bottom.

For those who want all the details, here you go:

Individual Questions

Total number of respondents: 149

Gender
• Male – 64%
• Female – 35%
• Declined to answer – 1%

How many years married
• First Year – 1%
• 2-5 Years – 9%
• 6-10 Years – 11%
• 11-15 Years – 21%
• 16-20 Years – 15%
• 21-25 Years – 12%
• 26-30 Years – 14%
• 31-35 Years – 10%
• 36-40 Years – 4%
• 41-45 Years – 1%
• Declined to answer – 1%

How old are you?
• 21-25 – 3%
• 26-30 – 6%
• 31-35 – 12%
• 36-40 – 20%
• 41-45 – 13%
• 46-50 – 17%
• 51-55 – 17%
• 56-60 – 7%
• 61-65 – 1%
• 66-70 – 1%
• 76-80 – 1%
• Declined to answer – 1%

How old is your spouse?
• 21-25 – 3%
• 26-30 – 5%
• 31-35 – 15%
• 36-40 – 18%
• 41-45 – 13%
• 46-50 – 15%
• 51-55 – 19%
• 56-60 – 6%
• 61-65 – 3%
• 76-80 – 1%
• Declined to answer – 3%

OK, so 1% of the “Declined to answer” here corresponds to 1% of the previous question. Someone didn’t want to share their ages. That’s OK, no problem. I’m curious about the other 2%…do they not know their spouses age?

How often do you have sex?
• Never – 1%
• Less than once a year – 1%
• Less than once a month – 3%
• Once a month – 5%
• Every 3 weeks – 2%
• Every 2 weeks – 7%
• 1 day a week – 21%
• 2 days a week – 22%
• 3 days a week – 17%
• 4 days a week – 9%
• 5 days a week – 4%
• 6 days a week – 3%
• More than once a day – 1%
• Declined to answer – 2%

Have you ever owned a sex toy?
• No – 23%
• Yes – 77%

People who have owned toys

What kind of toy(s) have you owned?

This one is harder to show, because of the variety of answers. So, I’m going to pick the top 6.
• Vibrator – 95%
• Plug – 14%
• Dildo – 44%
• Penis Ring – 52%
• Rope/Cuffs – 26%
• Blindfold – 32%

There were various other answers from spreader bars to hog-ties to nipple clamps to bullets to specific names of toys to edible pastes, and on and on. Don’t worry, I got your answers.

How often do you use sex toys for masturbation?
• Never – 49%
• Less than once a year – 14%
• Less than once a month – 16%
• Once a month – 4%
• Every 3 weeks – 2%
• Every 2 weeks – 5%
• Once a week – 7%
• Twice a week – 1%
• 3 times a week – 1%
• Declined to answer – 2%

How often do you use sex toys with your spouse?
• Never – 15%
• Less than once a year – 12%
• Less than once a month – 21%
• Once a month – 12%
• Every 3 weeks – 4%
• Every 2 weeks – 13%
• Once a week – 13%
• Twice a week – 6%
• 3 times a week – 1%
• 4 times a week – 2%
• 5 times a week – 2%
• Declined to answer – 1%

Who do the toys get used on?
• Me – 20%
• My Spouse – 37%
• Both – 36%
• Declined to answer – 7%

Why do you use sex toys?

This is another difficult one to show the results of. Many said for variety or because it was the only way they, or their spouse could orgasm. Others said that they used toys early on in their marriage, but then stopped, for various reasons. Many people answered “they’re fun”, or “to experiment” or “to try something new”

What is your favorite toy?

Again, hard to depict. I should say that the brand LELO got mentioned a few times (I agree, they make awesome products) as well as the WeVibe (another winner in our books as well). Many mentions of bullet vibes and bondage gear as well.

People who haven’t owned toys

Why haven’t you purchased any toys?
• I don’t think my spouse would approve – 66%
• I haven’t thought about it – 9%
• I think sex toys are weird – 6%
• I think sex toys are wrong (morally) – 3%
• I’m too scared/embarrassed to buy one – 6%
• Just never tried them/not ready/don’t need one – 11%

What kind of toy would you be interested in buying if you did?

Most people answered with some sort of vibrator, and a few mentioned specifically something to help with having orgasms.

Do you use lubricant during sex?
• Always – 18%
• Almost always – 19%
• More often than not – 8%
• Half of the time – 11%
• Usually not – 16%
• Almost never – 15%
• Never – 11%
• Declined to answer – 1%

Any other information you would like to add?

Many answers here again. A lot of talk about spouses not being open to the idea. That was probably the #1 idea that came through.

Some Correlations

Analyzing this data was a bit frustrating. Usually something interesting jumps out at me. I was looking for correlations and couldn’t find much. It wasn’t until I added a third criteria of gender that the data started showing correlations. A few of my findings are:
• Women who owned more toys stated they had more frequent sex. Men did not. This seems correlation seems pretty strong in fact.
• Women who own vibrators claim to have more sex vs. those who don’t.
• Women who own plugs claim to have more sex vs. those who don’t.
• The same is true for dildos, penis rings, ropes/cuffs, and blindfolds.
• All women who have owned a sex toy have owned a vibrator. It seems to be the preferred first toy.
• The more sex you have, the less likely you will use a toy on your own. This shows far more strongly in the women’s responses, but then they are far more likely to use toys solo as well. Probably due to the fact that the majority of toys are for use on women.
• The more often you use sex toys with your partner, the more often you have sex. But this is a little like saying “the more often you put on your swim suit, the more often you go swimming”.
• People who use lube less often have more sex, or people who have more sex use lube less often.
• In women, there is a correlation between length of comments and sexual frequency….I would guess this is due to the fact that women who are willing to talk about sex more are more likely to be open to more frequent sexual intimacy.

And the commenter “happywife” below asked about a correlation between age and lubricant use. Turns out, yes there is (86% correlation the way I have the ages grouped, and removing the age ranges with only one respondent). It seems that, generally, older couples need lubricant more often. This is not really any surprise. What is a bit odd is the sudden spike at the 26-30 year old range. I’m not sure how to explain that one.

Then, finally, this one jumped out:

Couples who own vibrators have sex almost twice as often (on average twice a week instead of once a week). This is odd, because the other toys (plug, dildo, penis ring, rope/cuffs, blindfold) had no noticeable correlation. Neither did whether or not the couple had ever owned a sex toy. So, do couples who have sex more often like vibrators more, or do vibrators cause more sex? Or perhaps having sex more often makes orgasm harder, so you need a vibrator (this is what my wife tells me). What do you think? Let me know in the comments below.